Friday, December 20th

This Guy's job happened to be in a mall. And while nothing good really ever comes from working in a mall, This Guy finds pleasure in a lot of the little things that people might not notice in the mall.

Like the natural lighting for most of the roofs, the immaculate mall directory (changed almost immediately after a store changes), and the hardest-working janitors ever.

But one of the funniest things for This Guy and his coworkers at the watch store, were the people who worked at the Body Modz kiosk beside the watch store.

These people, god damn. Body Modz (here-on known as BM) guy (there's only one), is a scruff. He's clearly a closet furry, an otaku, but at least on the outside, he dresses like a regular feller. Maybe just lacking a bit of personal hygiene, but that's forgivable.

BM girls (there are many of them), however, are the strangest people you've ever seen. They wear clothes that don't make sense, colours that don't match, their hair is always a strange colour and in a strange pattern,  and they are all on the verge of obesity. But This Guy can't say they're awful people, he's never talked to them except one, who sounded a little like Seth Rogan.

So everyone who works with This Guy at the watch store, always makes fun of the ridiculously dressed people, and every day it's like tearing a page from the "ugly-bodymodz-girls-calendar".

But today, This Guy's coworker Courtney brought to light an interesting thought.

What if every day, the BM people would look over at us watch people, and think it strange how NORMAL we all were? What a bizarro world that would be.

But- as This Guy quickly thought to himself, that wouldn't matter, because our two worlds would never collide. Ever. And he plans on keeping it that way.

Wednesday, December 4th

This is a short one, because not a whole lot happened to This Guy today. But what did, still boggles him.

He'd say it's in the top 10 strangest things to have ever witnessed.

At work, on a day unlike no other, This Guy feels the urge to rock a piss and he excuses himself to the bathroom.

Now, being in a mall, This Guy has seen a bunch of strange characters in this mall. From people who talk to their dongs, to people who look over the urinal , to people who crunch chips quite audibly in stalls next to him.

But this one takes the cake.

An Asian man, average build, average height, about the age of 60, is standing at the sink, holding a bag in one hand, and a hunk of meat in the other.

This hunk of meat isn't a euphamism for his penis, it was a literal piece of meat. Probably a steak he just bought at Superstore, judging by the bag he was holding in his other hand.

But this meat was not cooked. And the old Asian man was washing it in the sink.

All the while, he was making sounds, similar to that of a man who is enjoying a delicious steak... "Mmmmm..... MMMMMmmmmmm...."

This Guy looked in horror at this man, and washed his hands then quickly left the bathroom

This made This Guy think to himself... Could he date a germaphobe? Perhaps creepy-Asian guy wasn't a germaphobe, but still. This Guy doesn't think he could date someone who has to wash every single piece of food they eat, no matter how dirty the source of water may be.

Tuesday, December 3rd

So this happened to This Guy a few days ago, but the story is still relevant.

This Guy knew a girl named Steph. She was a friend of his since first-year college, and she was the sort of person with a snappy personality.

But he had sort of made it into her good books, mostly by introducing to her current boyfriend; another friend of This Guy, and also This Guy's roommate.

Which is why it's surprising that on this day, Steph managed to make This Guy seem like the snappy one who couldn't put up with her bullshit.

It begins in the morning... This Guy is going to work and he expects a bunch of crazy shenanigans because it's Black Friday. But he is super stoked because he knows he will get to work with Courtney and Kmoney, two awesome co-workers.

But after getting to work, he sees that he will actually be closing with Steph. And This Guy isn't MAD, but he is a little disappointed.

See, Steph had asked This Guy every day for a month to get her a job at the watch store where he worked, so he put in a good word and Courtney eventually hired her.

But to This Guy, Steph takes this job for granted. Because what would you know, Steph is kind of rich.

And it's not like This Guy has any problems with rich people. In fact, if you know any, you let him know. But when people are working for a living and you sort of take everything lightly, this is the kind of thing that irks This Guy.

So This Guy accepts that he will have to work with Steph, and he makes her a deal. If they can sell more than 10k (an all time store record), This Guy would buy Steph dinner.

To this, Steph replies: "YAH!!!", with such enthusiasm that This Guy was surprised such a little person could have.

But that's Steph in a nutshell.

*cue busy store stuffs*

This Guy wants to surprise Steph, so he leans in and tells her that he guess he owes her dinner, to subtly imply that they have just hit 10k. Hooray!

Except the reaction This Guy was hoping for, a bit if cheering and a few high fives all around, was totally wrong. Instead, Steph shouts out that she wants to go to the Keg.

So.... This Guy is a man of his word, and he takes her to the Keg after work.

And many laughs, smiles, and good times were had. 

Everyone went home and it was a great success. This Guy wishes it went like that.

The dinner DID go smoothly, but after everyone went home, This Guy thought that being tired from work and having a warm meal in his belly would be the perfect way to go to sleep.

Instead, he gets a phone call.

And who other than Steph, asking for help. She appeared to be out of gas and stuck in the middle of the road somewhere, in between two very far-apart bus stops. 

For some context, at this point it was half past twelve, and the bus stopped outside This Guy's house every hour. 

What does This Guy do? He says stay there, grabs a coat, his bus pass, an empty jerry can, and runs out the door to the nearest gas station.

After filling up $20 of gas, he waits for the bus in the light rain and prays she has the common sense to put her hazard lights on.

Catching the bus and a break from the rain, This Guy congratulates himself on having his earbuds in his jacket pocket, or else that wait would have sucked 10x more.

And after getting off at the stop he has to, he has to walk halfway up a mountain to get to Steph. But with a full jerry can of gas, he does it. He makes it to her car

To This Guy's surprise though, the car is just sitting there and there's no Steph standing beside it with her hands on her head freaking out, like he had expected she would be!

Instead, he goes up to her car and knocks on the glass. Steph then lazily rolls down the window and pulls a lever to open the gas tank.

This Guy couldn't believe it! She doesn't even get out of the car because she can't get herself wet, and she expects him to pour the gas in for her!

After everything though, what This Guy really couldn't believe, was that not a single thank you was given out, nor a single bit of his money or time reimbursed.

So after seeing Steph drive off, This Guy sat soaked on a bench waiting for the bus, and thought that maybe he wouldn't date a rich person... Because thank yous are apparently too expensive to be bought.

He thought to himself that he'd rather date a thank you slut than a thank you prude.

Then he caught a bus and went home to finally go to sleep.

Tuesday, November 26th

When This Guy woke up to go to work this morning, he didn't think anything of it. Other than the fact that he hates mornings, this all seemed pretty regular.

So nothing new, right?

Wrong.

As This Guy opened the door to go to work, he noticed a flyer at his doorstep.

Now, being the impolite, grumpy person that he is in the morning, it wasn't "oh what's this?" That came out of his mouth that morning, but "what the fuck is this garbage?" That actually did.

But, I guess old-school marketing works. Because as This Guy walked to the bus stop to go to work, he was reading this stupid flyer on Mormons.

In big bold text at the top: "HAVE YOU FOUND FAITH?!"

There was some other garbage written on it, but that header was all This Guy read until he crumpled up the flyer and threw it away.

This Guy then plugged in his earbuds and hoped to go back to having a normal, shitty morning. Until they struck again.

He was standing in line at Starbucks in the mall, grabbing his morning coffee, when he felt a tap on his left shoulder.

This Guy turns around to see the most smug mother fucker he's ever seen, with a wide, shit-eating grin spread across his filthy face.

"Hi! HAVE YOU FOUND FAITH?! Have you heard of us!? We're Mormons! You should join!..." This Guy couldn't believe it. This Mormon asshole was trying to convert a guy who isn't even awake yet, couldn't they just let him get a coffee first?

And that's when This Guy realized that he did, actually, read more than just the headline on that flyer. Maybe it was subconscious, maybe it was hindsight-bias, but This Guy realized this fucker spewing nonsense about religion was just reciting that whole flyer verbally!

So when the Mormon finally stopped to take a breath, This Guy turned around without saying a word and ordered the usual: a Vente Pike.

And after walking away from an almost-unpleasant conversation with Mormon dude, This Guy continued his regular day.

He went to work. He helped customers. Lots of customers. Until he helped that one fucking customer...

... Mormon dude.

This Guy saw a customer walking into the store and automatically opened with "Hey, how're you today!"

He immediately regretted it when he realized it was Mormon dude. 

"I'm good, actually, did you have a moment to talk about religion?"

This Guy couldn't believe it! Mormon dude didn't remember him!

So This Guy did what anyone else would do. He said no. He told the guy to fuck off and to not come back, because soliciting is illegal.

Unfortunately, This Guy did not do that. But he wishes he did.

What he actually did, was be polite, listen to all his bullshit, and tell him that unfortunately he was not interested at this moment in time.

And I guess Mormon dude thought he was being funny, but when he said to This Guy, "hahaha alright, but we'll get ya! Eventually!", that reaaaaaally pissed This Guy off.

So This Guy grit his teeth together and told Mormon dude to have a nice day.

You'd think that's everything, that the Mormons stopped bothering This Guy. But they didn't stop there.

After a long, not-surprisingly shitty morning of work, This Guy set off to go home and enjoy a quiet night by himself.

Instead, the Mormons had something else on their minds. They used advanced tactics, and this time sent a pretty young girl to talk to This Guy, at the bus stop.

Now, Mormon chick was sneaky. She didn't open with the conventional Mormon opening. She asked for directions, told This Guy she liked his scarf, even gave him her name, Cindy. But I like Mormon chick better, so I won't call her Cindy.

By the time she finally brought out the Mormon shit, This Guy had had enough. All he had left to give Mormon chick was a "GOD DAMNIT, NOT YOU TOO", and he walked away to wait at a different bus stop. People at that first bus stop must have thought there was a disease spreading or something, which as This Guy thinks about it now, Mormonism sort of is.

And after all of the bullshit with Mormons in one day, it got This Guy thinking as he waited at the other bus stop.

"Maybe I should date a Mormon chick? At least they're persistent, that's a good trait." But then he realized the attempts at converting him would never end if he did that, it would be opening a can of never ending worms.

So what did This Guy do when he saw Mormon chick walking to his new, safe, bus stop? He plugged in his earbuds and this time pretended he couldn't even hear her when she tried talking to him a second time. At least this time she gave up and just walked away.

Sunday, November 24th

This Guy misses his friends. Like, a lot.

He's not really a sentimental guy, but he gets lonely a lot.

You can find This Guy on his days off at his home, drinking alone, holding his phone, hoping someone texts him, asking him to go on a crazy adventure of sorts.

His good friend Courtney is on a trip, and although he texts her quite frequently, he wonders how she is.

It's pretty normal, he thinks, to be so attached to people in his life. But at the same time he has a hard time not being attached to girls in general.

If This Guy can't be friends with someone without missing them for so long, how is he supposed to feel when a suitable candidate of a female visits him almost every day at work? He feels loved, the attention is great.

But although he knows he would like to give it a shot with her, he doesn't because he has done this before. Fallen for a girl who completely just thinks they're friends.

This Guy isn't very good at reading signs, he often makes mistakes, and I guess that's what makes him human.

Monday, November 18th

Now, I mentioned that This Guy worked at a watch store, correct?

He had this one coworker, Dave. 

Now, let's back up a bit. If I had to sum up This Guy in one sentence, he would have this name because the most apt line would proabably be: "He's just THIS fucking guy."

But Dave? That's a whole other story. Dave's sentence would be something more like: "He's just this FUCKING guy."

Dave dates on-again off-again girlfriend, Anna, and I would say something like "they are meant for each other", but fuck that.

Anna makes Dave miserable but Dave thinks this is how relationships are supposed to be.

This Guy gets to be at the receiving end of Dave's bullshit, cause Dave is too pansy to talk to Anna. And most of the time, it's fine. Because This Guy doesn't mind, that's what friends are for. But what chokes This guy up time and time again, is when Dave tries to give This Guy relationship advice.

And on this day, there was one thing that just pushed This Guy to the edge.

Was it Dave's constant bullshit for such an easy solution? Nope.

Was it Dave's predictable mopey attitude after a fight with Anna? Nope. 

Was it Dave telling This Guy how he just needs to get laid? Nope. Well... Sorta, but nope.

You want to know what it was? 

It was sweat pants. Dave had the audacity to wear sweat pants to work, and to think it would be alright! How absurd!

And while a lot of people will take team sweats on this one based purely on the comfort factor of sweat pants, This Guy does not consider that a good reason.

So for Dave to come into work dressed in sweats, and for Dave to tell This Guy that he's not finding happiness in women because of the way he dresses... Too far, buddy.

But all of this got This Guy thinking. Could he date a girl who likes sweats? Every human being on the planet earth EXCEPT This Guy likes sweats!

He even began sweating at the thought of being forced to wear sweats.

This Guy has a revelatory thought. Maybe THAT'S why they're called sweat pants.

Sunday, November 17th

This is the story of This Guy I know.

He lives in a suburb beside a big city, with lots of great friends, and This Guy often imagines his life is an elaborate movie, the shit that happens to him, seriously, I couldn't make it up if I tried.

I guess you want to know a little bit about him?

He's 20, a Capricorn, and he works in a watch store. He enjoys taking transit to work every day, but some people just really grind his gears. More on that later.

I would say he's a nice guy, but he's pretty judgemental and can't seem to find love in his life, no matter how hard he tries.

-----

On this one fateful Sunday, This Guy got on the bus to go to work.

And I would say he met the most beautiful girl ever, I'd say she was perfect in every way, but that'd be nothing close to the truth.

The first thing he felt, was pity.

The chick who got on the stop seemed so confused. And This Guy takes this bus every day to work, and the same bus back, so he likes to think he knows it pretty well.

But he just couldn't get over this girls look of pure, utter, confusion.

So he kinda just stares at her the whole trip.

But one stop after another, confused chick just kinda looks up at the stop indicator and looks increasingly worried. Until finally, at the last stop, This Guy gets off the bus with worried girl.

That's when he gets his first good look at her.

She's one of those Asian chicks who shave their eyebrows and pencils them in, but she appears to have done it in a way that she looks nothing but utterly confused and worried.

And for a split second, This Guy imagined dating worried girl, but the thought of her being confused or worried at everything he says or asks, seemed wayyy too unappealing to him, and This Guy just laughed his way to work.

Maybe he'll see worried girl again tomorrow, he wonders. Now he's worried for her.