Tuesday, November 26th

When This Guy woke up to go to work this morning, he didn't think anything of it. Other than the fact that he hates mornings, this all seemed pretty regular.

So nothing new, right?

Wrong.

As This Guy opened the door to go to work, he noticed a flyer at his doorstep.

Now, being the impolite, grumpy person that he is in the morning, it wasn't "oh what's this?" That came out of his mouth that morning, but "what the fuck is this garbage?" That actually did.

But, I guess old-school marketing works. Because as This Guy walked to the bus stop to go to work, he was reading this stupid flyer on Mormons.

In big bold text at the top: "HAVE YOU FOUND FAITH?!"

There was some other garbage written on it, but that header was all This Guy read until he crumpled up the flyer and threw it away.

This Guy then plugged in his earbuds and hoped to go back to having a normal, shitty morning. Until they struck again.

He was standing in line at Starbucks in the mall, grabbing his morning coffee, when he felt a tap on his left shoulder.

This Guy turns around to see the most smug mother fucker he's ever seen, with a wide, shit-eating grin spread across his filthy face.

"Hi! HAVE YOU FOUND FAITH?! Have you heard of us!? We're Mormons! You should join!..." This Guy couldn't believe it. This Mormon asshole was trying to convert a guy who isn't even awake yet, couldn't they just let him get a coffee first?

And that's when This Guy realized that he did, actually, read more than just the headline on that flyer. Maybe it was subconscious, maybe it was hindsight-bias, but This Guy realized this fucker spewing nonsense about religion was just reciting that whole flyer verbally!

So when the Mormon finally stopped to take a breath, This Guy turned around without saying a word and ordered the usual: a Vente Pike.

And after walking away from an almost-unpleasant conversation with Mormon dude, This Guy continued his regular day.

He went to work. He helped customers. Lots of customers. Until he helped that one fucking customer...

... Mormon dude.

This Guy saw a customer walking into the store and automatically opened with "Hey, how're you today!"

He immediately regretted it when he realized it was Mormon dude. 

"I'm good, actually, did you have a moment to talk about religion?"

This Guy couldn't believe it! Mormon dude didn't remember him!

So This Guy did what anyone else would do. He said no. He told the guy to fuck off and to not come back, because soliciting is illegal.

Unfortunately, This Guy did not do that. But he wishes he did.

What he actually did, was be polite, listen to all his bullshit, and tell him that unfortunately he was not interested at this moment in time.

And I guess Mormon dude thought he was being funny, but when he said to This Guy, "hahaha alright, but we'll get ya! Eventually!", that reaaaaaally pissed This Guy off.

So This Guy grit his teeth together and told Mormon dude to have a nice day.

You'd think that's everything, that the Mormons stopped bothering This Guy. But they didn't stop there.

After a long, not-surprisingly shitty morning of work, This Guy set off to go home and enjoy a quiet night by himself.

Instead, the Mormons had something else on their minds. They used advanced tactics, and this time sent a pretty young girl to talk to This Guy, at the bus stop.

Now, Mormon chick was sneaky. She didn't open with the conventional Mormon opening. She asked for directions, told This Guy she liked his scarf, even gave him her name, Cindy. But I like Mormon chick better, so I won't call her Cindy.

By the time she finally brought out the Mormon shit, This Guy had had enough. All he had left to give Mormon chick was a "GOD DAMNIT, NOT YOU TOO", and he walked away to wait at a different bus stop. People at that first bus stop must have thought there was a disease spreading or something, which as This Guy thinks about it now, Mormonism sort of is.

And after all of the bullshit with Mormons in one day, it got This Guy thinking as he waited at the other bus stop.

"Maybe I should date a Mormon chick? At least they're persistent, that's a good trait." But then he realized the attempts at converting him would never end if he did that, it would be opening a can of never ending worms.

So what did This Guy do when he saw Mormon chick walking to his new, safe, bus stop? He plugged in his earbuds and this time pretended he couldn't even hear her when she tried talking to him a second time. At least this time she gave up and just walked away.